I’ve been getting better outwardly but every day it’s harder.

This is a guy I legitimately thought I might marry.

And yet it’s been two weeks and I still can’t say for sure that he’s alive and well.

part of me really wants to just get drunk and sleep with a stranger right now to cope with things but

a. if you are alive and still want me that’d be an awful thing for me to do and i don’t think i’ll really be able to even actually think of being with anyone unless i become 100% positive that you don’t want me anymore

and

b. period

i think also it’s just like actions speak louder than words and some times it feels like I’m getting a lot of words from you and not very much action idk idk I’m just sad and not in a good place tonight

I think I’ve been doing a good job keeping myself stable despite you not being around but fuck I’m so sick of this I need you to have time for me again because I can’t help but extrapolate stupid scenarios in my head about you actually just using being busy as an excuse to not talk to me because you don’t want me anymore I know you don’t have a lot of control over it but this is getting really excessive and I’m concerned and uncomfortable and sad

i wish i could stop myself from getting so anxious when i go longer than i’d like without a proper conversation with you

i’m having one of those moments where i’m convinced youre like secretly not in love with me anymore and that i’m not gonna see you and that even if you are still in love with me something is going to happen and i’m still not gonna see you and idk im just getting myself worked up over nothing