i guess it’s just that it’s really uncomfortable thinking about you being on good terms with someone who sexually harassed me and once said they weren’t sure they’d be able to resist raping me if i said no. i don’t care what kind of person he is now. he did and said horrible things to me and i’m not the type to forgive my abusers. and it sucks knowing that like. i can never come visit you even. because he’s there.

i still wish you didn’t live with my ex that makes me so fucking uncomfortable every time i remember it and i know there’s nothing i can do about it and you probably think i’m stupid for how unhappy and uncomfortable and unsafe it makes me feel when i think of it

and then i get worried that by saying anything like any of that i am being a bad girlfriend and i know that’s not the case like i’m allowed to have concerns and needs and i shouldn’t feel like i’m a bad person for that or that i’m disappointing you because i should be putting myself at higher priority than i do and i know that

i guess i just wish you were the type of person to go out of your way for me and i know you never will be and that’s okay. the way i treat relationships and the people i care about is different from the way you do because i am overly concerned with making other people happy and feel loved and whatever. and i mean how could i ever expect you to when i know it’s not like you have a lot of time and stuff. i just. feel unimportant. and the fact that i have said this a number of times and nothing ever changes makes me worried. like. i don’t know how to say what i’m trying to say without sounding like an ungrateful brat. maybe i am a brat. maybe i am expecting too much. i dont know. i don’t think i am. i guess i just wish you understood what i need in a relationship and would actually work with me to find some kind of middle ground because i don’t feel like you do understand or that if you do you just disregard it because of your own feelings on what you should be putting into a relationship. idk.

i feel bad because mj is super stressed out because moving and there’s not really anything i can do to make it easier because she has her set ways of doing things and i totally understand that!! but i feel bad and wish i could make things easier for her and and david so that they aren’t at each other’s throats

(also yes obvs i know mj will see this sorry i love u i’m sorry i’m not being helpful :( )